I Still Hate Adam Sandler

Dave, of pro-choice fame, recently sent me to Adam Sandler’s website. Now, I’m not very fond of Mr. Sandler… actually, I downright hate him, but he said Adam (can I call you Adam) had a funny music video on there called "Secret". Now, when Dave says something is funny you can bet the first time you watch it you’re not going to laugh. You’ll probably just stare at him with your mouth hanging open wondering what you did to deserve such abuse. But after being exposed to it a couple of times it’ll grow on you and you’ll see where Dave is coming from (except if you’re from the Midwest or South. You can’t be helped.)

Anyway, back to Adam Sandler.

So, being someone who was never fond of Adam Sandler’s one-dimensional SNL and movie characters, thought Hanukkah Songs 12, 13 and 14 were overkill and annoying, and twitched every time I heard him use that high pitched Opera Man voice, my expectations were set pretty low. Much to my surprise and chagrin I found "Secret" to be hilarious (again, only after the second viewing). The video is set with a thumping dance beat and tells the story of a man-child getting ready to hit the town, but he’s not quite ready…

I’ve gotta move my body tonight;
I’m gonna go dancin’.
Dreamin’ ‘bout the lights at the club,
The fun and romancin’.
Mommy sees the look in my eye.
She can tell something’s different.
Daddy doesn’t understand why,
But he can tell something’s different.
I’ve got a secret.
My own little secret.
No one knows my secret,
‘Cuz it’s a secret, secret.
Shhh, don’t tell.
Shhh, don’t tell.
I TRIM MY BUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!

It’s genius. Mr. Sandler takes a topic that makes most guys feel uncomfortable and sings about it to make them feel a little more uncomfortable. Think about it. When was the last time you saw a bunch of guys talk about trimming their pubes? Probably never. I mean, my friends and I have never talked about it and we’re queer. We talk about shit, but for some reason don’t talk about pubic hair. The thing is I believe that more guys do it than would admit to it. But who told them to?

My guess this all relates to the porn industry. Back in the day when I was a sperm and an egg in two separate bodies, gay porn was like watching 2 gorillas go at it: hair, hair everywhere. (I assume straight porn is the same, except with a girl and a seriously overweight guy.) But soon they replaced Everyman with Model Men. Men lost the moustache and shaved their chest. You can’t see ripply muscles with a thick jungle of hair covering it. And why stop at that jungle. Make your way down south and take care of that problem. I mean if the women or men in the video like it, I bet my partner would love it. I’d look like a porn star… or so my theory goes.

I’m not advocating a society where talking about one’s pubic hair is open and comfortable. I’m advocating the watching of more porn so normal people can try to live up to impossible standards. Because what is life without gorgeous people, who have lots and lots of sex for money, making us feel bad for having mediocre sex with bar trolls? Not a life at all.

I guess this blog should have been more about porn, but I’ll save that for another time.